Tank’s Travels barbarian traveller of 2015

Delicate flower Tank was shocked by the salty language that came out of this diver's mouth.

Delicate flower Tank was shocked by the salty language that came out of this diver’s mouth.

“Fuck you. Fuck all of you.” Salty language and definitely not a slip of the tongue.

Hilarious.

Meet the winner of Tank’s Barbarian Traveller award for 2015.

This guy trumps:

  • the horrible dive boat whiners, bullies and boors in La Paz. (honourable mention)
  • the jungle jerks who moaned about mobile phone service and other indignities at the Kinabatangan River in Malaysia. (second runners up)
  • the dive boat manspread guy in Kota Kinabalu.
  • the botoxed vulgarians who referred to other travellers as peasants in San Francisco.
  • idiot scuba divers with GoPros everywhere.
  • Zooom Electronics, a New York-based Amazon supplier who advertised products they didn’t have and then sold me a defective product. (my most read posting of all time)

What a year. What tough competition. The tipping point for scuba guy was the Torrette-esque way the ‘eff’ word came tumbling off his tongue.

Here’s what happened. Long story short. Buddy was on a ‘cattle boat’, a large dive boat that tends to cater to/enable rookie divers who stay at all-inclusive resorts. He ascended alone, without a dive buddy, likely because he’s an ‘air hog’, a diver who sucks his tank nearly dry quickly. There he was bobbing around in the surf, when his ‘safety sausage’ came in contact with our stationary dive boat. He bellowed that our captain had run over it. Not true. We weren’t under power.

He cried he’d been run over by the boat. Nonsense. His filthy mouth and the rest of his body parts were still attached and intact. This I confirmed when I grabbed my camera and began snapping pictures. More swearing.

Off he goes to find his dive boat. Can't help but think his captain might have preferred to leave him bobbing in the surf.

Off he goes to find his dive boat. Can’t help but think his captain might have preferred to leave him bobbing in the surf.

Later, the cattle boat came barrelling up to ours. In Spanish, his captain mumbled something about having to come over to complain because the diver had demanded he do so. More laughs. As they steamed off, buddy was stood at the back of the boat swearing his head off and performing Jersey Shore-type tough guy arm poses.

In addition to his award, the barbarian has secured himself a chapter in Tank’s Travels upcoming E-book which chronicles some of the world’s most awful travellers.

Congrats to all this year’s contestants.

A plug for $25 underwear, Texas-style

undiesed

Worth every penny

So, here I am. Stuck in Dallas for two nights at MY expense. Tornados caused my flight to Vancouver to be cancelled. (Pretty sure Obama is to blame!)

There was a time when I would have gone thermo-nuclear on airline staff. And, believe me, American Airlines has made the experience unpleasant. Employees, as pleasant as they are, have no information or different information or the wrong information.

I’ve stood in lines for hours. Talked to a bunch of employees. My luggage is no where to be found. Baggage handlers will NOT retrieve it here in Dallas, I’ve been told.

Apparently, I’ll be reunited with it in Vancouver sometime in the future. Not sure I believe the airline, but what can I do?

Thing is, I’m not going apeshit.

That’s because I’m wearing my awesome Exofficio travel underwear. Bloody expensive in Canadian dollars, but quick drying. Wash it, roll it up in a towel and dry with a hair dryer. Good to go for another day of lost luggage-hunting in Texas.

I proclaimed my undying love for this underwear in an earlier posting.

The love affair continues.

Feliz Navidad from Mexico

xmas2

Tank is spending Christmas Day scuba diving in Cozumel, Mexico. Because what could be better than scuba diving in crystal clear, warm turquoise water far away from family. Then, having holiday dinner with new friends from the dive boat.

Grateful to be in a position to travel this time of year. Tank has no desire to participate in the chaos and silliness of the holiday season. Except maybe for Boxing Day sales at scuba stores.

Wishing you Merry Christmas (yes, I used the “C” word) and all the best in 2016.

This is paradise. Santa will never find me here!

 Krampus will never find me here.

#Scuba dive boat bullies and whiners

The 'superior' mammal stretched out on the dive boat.

A ‘superior’ mammal stretched out on the dive boat.

“I don’t take photos when I scuba diving unless someone else is paying me,” he said.

The same guy who was asking me to email photos I’d taken of him playing with sea lions, and wasn’t offering me any money! The same guy who complained the image files I emailed were too small and then twice emailed me back home to inquire as to why I hadn’t emailed larger files.

(The files I initially emailed him, which were going up on my Facebook page anyway, were plenty large enough. The idiot was looking at thumbnails, not realizing – I guess – you gotta click on them and save them. He did NOT get any additional images from me.)

What nerve. What an ass. What an appropriate new contestant for Tank’s Travel Jerk Traveller of the Year.

Did I mention he has a Mercedes? He did. Several times.

He also had lots to say about my scuba gear (inferior to his), the scuba company with which we were diving (inferior to the one he once operated) and his scuba training (superior to everyone else’s).

We spent several days as the only English speaking people on a dive boat. Except for the day the ‘professional’ cameraman with his giant $10,000 USD camera gear and lights came aboard the small boat and began bossing people around. Moaning about dive sites. Later in the day, I witnessed him bullying the office staff in an effort to get out of paying for a portion of the trip. He succeeded.

And then there was the guy bitching about the flour tortillas at lunch. “Where are the CORN tortillas?,” he barked in Spanish and English for three days in a row.

This is what I have to put up with. Grateful for it, as it supplies amusing content for Tank’s Travels.

I did meet some wonderful scuba divers on the boat. They taught me the Japanese word “oshikko”. It means pee, as in pee pee. They peed themselves laughing every time I said it, which was a lot.

That’s me, promoting peace, harmony and good manners where ever I travel. And, taking notes when I encounter those who don’t.

 

 

 

#Scuba #dive shop breaking up: Roatan

Roatan has great diving. Plus lots of dive shops.

Okay, the dive shop breakup in Roatan is much harder to do than the one in Cozumel.

I’ve been here  in August 2014 and in March 2015.

I loved the divemasters, boat captains and most of the folks at the cafe attached to the dive shop. I also really liked one of the dive shop owners. The spouse and co-owner – not so much.

A couple of things occurred during my 2015 visit. One was an issue around pounding disco music being played on weekends from a bar near my hotel. A matter no one seemed to care was a problem.

The other was a small, but significant incident that occurred on the day of my departure.

Getting a cab in Roatan when you need it isn’t always easy. That’s why I took the dive shop owner up on her offer to reserve me one in advance. I was told this would be done.

Lo and behold on the day of my flight, the cab didn’t arrive. I expressed concern about missing my flight. Plus, I needed to make a quick stop in town before going to the airport. When the owner called the cabbie, he claimed he had never received the booking. The owner insisted she called to book.

Luckily, I had the business card of the fabulous cabbie who brought me to the resort. The owner called and said he’d come as soon as he could – in about 30 minutes.

That left me sitting on a hot, unshaded bench in front of the dive shop to wait. Wondering if I’d make my flight. At no time did the owner check in with me or even offer an apology for what had happened. She just left me there and got on with other things.

Just didn’t seem like professional behaviour toward a customer who had spent a couple of thousand USD in her dive shop in the last six months. Especially since there are lots of dive shops and hotels on the island.

I did get to the airport on time with the quick stop in town. I love that cabbie.

The loud music is more of an issue for me than the rudeness of a dive shop owner.

Both Cozumel and Roatan are on my list for a two week dive vacation in August 2016. Can’t say that either has the edge right now.

Here are some pics from my last Roatan dive trip.